haidee merritt » blog

Atrocity. Barbarism. Abomination. Savagery.

Haidee — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:22:33 +0000

When you’re a diabetic long enough, you see some pretty scary things.

(Unrelated to what I’ve been writing…)

Haidee — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 00:27:54 +0000

I’ve been writing for three hours. Come a long way, really, but this is the only thing I want to share:

Diabetics (and non-diabetics) can be independent, intelligent, spontaneous (sometimes), and resourceful; I am these things, yes, in addition to being judgmental, materialistic, rude, hormonal, shallow, and snarky. An elitist plagued with self-doubt. I actually throw stones from my glass house. Throw ‘em back, what the fuck do I care? Bruises add color. I am given to unpredictable revisions of mood. I fart a lot.

That is officially a blog post, folks: this is my search engine optimization for the day.

Haidee — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:48:19 +0000

Haidee — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 22:53:58 +0000

After working in a movie theater for 3 weeks the smell of popcorn made me wretch; anything with the scent of pineapple still brings me back to the queasy nightmare we called our “senior trip.” But insulin? For all the negative associations it has I still think the smell is rather comforting.

Haidee — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 21:24:13 +0000

Hi Mark…Happy New Year.

Haidee — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 15:10:05 +0000

Mark Timmins is the only person who I know reads my blog posts. He, in fact, asked why I don’t write any more. Shows what you know, Mark: I have never really written very much here. Mostly cut-and-pastes from other ramblings. But, a new year should be greeted with good intentions, whether or not they are long lived. So I’ll tell you about my last night of the 2011 calender…

I had a serious blood-letting.

I am frequented by bloody noses throughout the winter months, which tend to be cold and dry here in New Hampshire. I am not a stranger to them, nor they to me. They’re horribly inconvenient and messy and require patience to resolve. When you take into consideration the number of blood-thinning agents I’m on you can amplify the effects to legendary proportions.

Last night I seriously bled for about an hour. I thought about collecting the blood in a measuring cup just so I had the WOW-factor to brag about. I was going through toilet paper and paper towels so quickly that I eventually just hung my head over the sink and watched the red stream splatter into the sink. I pinched the bridge, I pressed paper up into my brain – all that did was back up the flow so blood started to pool in my throat now every few minutes I had to cough out a huge phlegmy blood clot. The other nostril kicked into action when it’s neighbor’s flow was obstructed, taking over the job of bleeding when the dominant bleeder was dammed.

Feeling light-headed I had no choice but to think about how this situation was going to play out. Who could take me to the ER if I eventually admitted defeat and my nose won? Could I drive myself to the hospital and – more honestly – could I absorb the mortifying embarrassment when I was pulled over by the cop on New Year’s Eve? No, not embarrassed for bleeding all over myself but for being alone – with my nose – in a hospital-bound car on this festive and socially-obligatory night.

Would I eventually just pass out? And, if so, would I wake up? And, if so, would it be in a pool of blood? It’s such a mess to clean up. Maybe if I lay down for the night in my bathtub it would solve most of these issues but, in the event I didn’t regain consciousness, would it look like a holiday suicide? I mean, I’m not THAT upset about being alone – pleeease! At least I’m not freezing my ass off in Berlin with some other diabetic freak like I was this time last year: standing on a snow-covered bridge over the river Spree while I prayed this guy’s kids wouldn’t blow their faces off with firecrackers. In fact, last year I would’ve given various body parts to be here, right where I was, bleeding-out in my very own bathroom, and that’s really saying something.

However, this flashback planted the seed that turned out to actually be my salvation: I went outside into the cold and let my blood slow, the timing of the blood dropping onto the white frost of my porch proof of that. I know it sounds like I wasn’t trying to stop the blood but the drips were falling from the saturated paper that I was holding to my face – it wasn’t a situation in which I could be passive! Who could be when a hose of blood was firing out of the front of one’s face??

So, I start this new year with a whole bunch of new blood, I guess. Doesn’t your body regenerate the stuff, to a certain degree? Talk about a fresh start.

Happy New Year, Mark – and to anyone else who might stumble upon this account.

Oh, and my 2012 resolution is to brush my hair more often: it has rat-nest tendencies.

Haidee — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 22:22:26 +0000

Work on EGGS – The Winter 2012 Project

Haidee — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:10:04 +0000

This winter I’m squirreling myself away to work on a number of on-going projects. First, the continuation of the diabetes cartoons, a no-brainer. Second, the development of a reoccurring character who I hope to introduce in the spring. And third, EGGS – what I refer to as my guilty pleasure – another unmarketable mixture of medicine and mood in book form. Having said that, of course, all my time and energy is magnetically drawn to its creation and production. Putting all my eggs in one basket is something with which I am remarkably comfortable.

Haidee — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:38:46 +0000

Yo-yo

Mind of stagnant fuzz -

Thoughts trapped in syrupy ooze -

And now I am low.

Pretty much the same as last year….

Haidee — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 02:08:05 +0000